There are times I try and step back from my job and really observe my surroundings to see if I'm getting anywhere. It seems like any easy task, you know-- appreciating the little things-- but most days are overwhelming, with good (and bad) things, and it's easy to fall into the trap. The one that Satan lays for you. The one where sends countless "helpers" to discourage you in your journey of raising children. It's hard to have clarity sometimes. There are a lot of days I ask myself, "Am I doing this right? Am I doing enough for my kids? Are they going to turn out okay?" Some days I feel confident in my abilities and other days I feel doubtful.
Two weeks ago it was fast Sunday and, of course, Tyler and I were busy trying to keep our busy/ noisy boys quiet so other people could listen. I mean, we try to listen, but it can be challenging when you have little people who don't know how to whisper, or who want snacks, or who need to go to the bathroom and the list of needs goes on and on. About halfway through there was a string of primary children who got up to bear their testimonies. Quincy usually reads and is pretty good about being quiet, but at this point he seemed interested in all these kids getting up. Then he stood next to me and whispered, "I want to go up and bear my testimony, Mom." I was taken aback a little bit. First of, we never asked him to, he had just decided to all by himself. And second, I was hesitant about letting him go, as he didn't request that I go with him and I was leery that he'd actually be able to go through with it once he was in front of everyone. But how could I say no?
So I just let him go, curious about how it would all play out. I noticed that the bishop was about to have the podium raised, but saw Quincy walking up and stopped. I sat there watching as Quincy walked confidently to the podium and lowered the microphone to his mouth and proceeded to bear his testimony. I was in awe that he seemed so composed and calm and confident. And my heart of course swelled with joy during his brief testimony. It wasn't until night time that I had an 'ah-ha moment' and I can't even claim that I brought it to my own attention because it was Tyler who brought it up.
I spend a lot of moments in motherhood feeling unsure about if I'm going about it all the right way. And last night I received such a wonderful confirmation that I AM doing something right. Perhaps I'm not doing it all right ALL of the time, but I am making progress. I was able to see that progress... something I'm not always capable of getting. And it was wonderful. And it made everything alright. And it's beautiful how such a small and simple confirmation from the Spirit gave me the will to relinquish all doubts that seemed to be plaguing me.
Tyler asked Quincy before he went to bed how he knew what to say for his testimony. Quincy told him that he knew the first part and then he just saw the words in his head and said them. This bit of information made me feel even better about my mothering capabilities. My son was able to listen to the Holy Ghost and share his testimony with others. This gives me hope for the future.... that he'll turn out okay....and that, at least for now, I'm doing enough.