In the words of Micheal Buble`:

"It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life... and I'm feeling good......."

What a journey we've been on this week! 

Let me fill you in on the last part of our roller coaster ride.

Wednesday was normal enough. My parents generously offered to take the boys for me and Tyler went back to work. He said that when he got to work everyones eyes were glued on him and that they had some somber looking faces. All showed their concern and support. I spent most of my day cleaning, reading, updating the blog (for my own journal purposes), and overall trying to mentally prepare myself for what was coming in the next 24 hours. Finally 5:30PM rolled around and Tyler called to tell me he was on his way home. I asked him if I could receive a priesthood blessing that night. We are so lucky to have the gospel in our lives. I have never felt such comfort, peace, or joy in the event of having the blessings of the priesthood ministered upon me. It has truly blessed my life in many ways and I'm SO thankful Tyler is worthy to hold it.

A friend of ours was able to come over and help with the blessing. Although the words are too sacred to share (and it is difficult to express or remember exactly what was said) I felt peace. That night we went to bed around 11:30PM. It SHOULD have been an awful, nightmarish night of tossing and turning..... but it wasn't. I slept for almost 7 hours straight. When was the last time that happened? Not recent enough that I can recall. It goes to testify that the Lord was letting me get the much needed rest I had hoped and prayed for. In the morning I felt refreshed, something which may have seemed so out of place-- considering what we had to look forward to Thursday morning.

Tyler and I made the best of killing those few morning hours prior to leaving for the appointment the best we could. I started to feel slightly anxious as the clocked ticked closer to 11:00AM. While sitting on the couch I even explained that while I was young I had many opportunities to sing in front of large crowds... never once did I feel nervous until just as I was about to step on stage. It was a blessing and a curse. However, once I stepped out onto stage the nervousness faded quickly. Thursday morning was very similar. I knew since my appointment was at noon that most likely I should eat something beforehand, but the thought of food didn't sound good at all.

We drove to the appointment talking about various random subjects-- clearly trying to keep our thoughts away from the lurking black clouds that hovered inside them-- and made it to the specialists office 15 minutes early. The paperwork was short (taking no more than 2 minutes to fill out) and so we sat waiting another 13 minutes in the waiting room.

Once again, I found myself trying to preoccupy my thoughts.

I looked around the waiting room and noted three large painted canvases. One showed a beautiful yellow dandelion, the other depicted 3 older dandelions that had gone to seed, and the last portrayed something blowing the seeds of the dandelion from the stem. I found myself trying to find meaning between these images and the waiting room I was sitting in and I didn't have much luck trying to direct my thoughts in any positive direction.

Okay. 

Next distraction.

 I started people watching. I observed a lady in purple blouse and blue jeans. She was slightly plump in the middle with slender looking legs and looked kind of like an apple on a stick (or rather two sticks). I guessed she was in her mid 50's. She sat in the chair the whole time we were there with her ankles crossed, her hands folded in her lap, her body slightly shifted to one side of the chair, and her eyes closed. From the way she sat so still and breathed so steadily it appeared that she was sleeping.

How, I thought, could anyone be sleeping sitting up in a chair like that, let alone in a waiting room?

It was working.

I was distracted.

 I watched several other couples come in and out. Noting the women who looked extremely pregnant and the ones who might have been, but it was difficult to know for sure. After hearing three other names called before ours I finally heard a soft, "Kati?"

Suddenly I was back to reality....  

Deep breathe.

We ended up meeting with our genetic counselor who's name was Geri. She brought us back to her office and we got 'acquainted' (for lack of a better word) with our situation. She asked what we knew and went on to explain things that we didn't know so much about in more detail. It was reassuring to know that even during our conversation with her I felt hopeful. Geri sounded hopeful too, which I was praying that she wasn't one of those sugar-coat-everything-over-kind-of-doctors. She clarified that the quad screen measures four types of proteins (and if I remember right) two types from the mother's blood and two types from the babies blood (I could be wrong). However, there are four. Apparently the desired score for these protein levels in ideally around a 1.00. Three of my levels were close to 1.00. Great news for us! One particular protein level was only at a .15...... ooooooooww. Ouch! Not so good. Geri explained that these protein levels were unique to each mother and  baby and that while the .15 seemed low (statisically speaking) that perhaps it was a normal level for our baby.

Again. I was feeling some reassurance. Perhaps our little Pula didn't have to have a 1.00 on that protein-- and that everything would be fine. We went into further detail about our family history all the way from siblings, nieces, nephews, parents, aunts, and unlces to determine that we both come from pretty genetically sound, healthy families.

Although she did clarify again, that Trisomy 18 is NOT something that occurs through genetics, but rather happens spontaneously. I could tell that Tyler was more nervous than I was during some of our meeting with her. He had a very concentrated face, clearly trying to make sure he asked every possible question, understood everything, and was aware of what we were up against. He frequently shifted his weight from the front to the back of the chair. He twisted his hands, and eventually put them under the table on his lap. I could tell this was finally starting to take a toll on his tough exterior that he had shown me the past three days. I also knew that his hands were sweating, something I found myself smiling a little to myself about.

Personally I didn't feel overwhelmed by anything. In fact, I just had this strange feeling like 'I should be feeling panicked or unsure right now, but I don't.' It was a little weird at the time, but perhaps it was just the Spirit giving me the comfort I had asked for in the three days prior.

After about an hour in depth conversation with Geri she explained that they would be doing an ultrasound to look for characteristics on the baby indicating any warning signs for Trisomy 18. This I was prepared for. I had read about it. An ultrasound? No problem. Then she also explained that we could do an amnio as well to further be reassured that we knew everything was fine. An amnio would give 99% accurate results. She told us we could both that day or do an ultrasound first and then decide. She left the room to find the ultrasound technician and I was grateful to have a moment alone to talk with Tyler. I tried to briefly tell him I wasn't thrilled about the idea on an amnio UNLESS there was a warning showing up in the ultrasound. We agreed that we'd do the ultrasound first and then decide from there on the amnio. 

By the time 1:00 rolled around we were sitting in the ultrasound  room with our technician, a blond haired twenty something year old, named Kaci. She was kind and reassuring. She told us she was a fourth year ultrasound tech student and that her supervisor would be watching our ultrasound from the other room. I had an extremely full bladder at this point, as they recommend drinking like 24oz of water prior to the ultrasound. If I were in different circumstances I might have complained about the discomfort I was in (with a full bladder and a technician pressing over it for an hour and 15 minutes), but it was worth it. At the beginning she asked us if we would like to know the gender and replied with "Sure!"

(But we'll get to that part last....)

After going over Pula's little body with extreme thoroughness for over an hour we witnessed that our baby did not have clenched fists (one of the indicators). In fact Pula even 'waved' at us and I watched with a hopeful heart that we were on the right track towards celebrating over a healthy baby. We also saw that Pula didn't show signs on rocker bottom feet (another one of the indicators). I watched the screen with love in my heart over two perfectly shaped feet and ten tiny toes. We watched as the technician spent 25 minutes examining every angle of Pula's heart to make sure it was formed right. This part was difficult as she kept going over and over it again. I almost felt like I should be worried that something was wrong, but I couldn't manage to summon the concern. Then she spent another 20 minutes looking at the brain. Again, an area which I didn't know exactly what was "normal" looking. At last we were done around 2:15. It was long, and some of it extremely uncomfortable for me, but I didn't care.

 I was glad Heavenly Father let her be thorough.

Kaci left and told us that the doctor would be in to talk with us about the results. She said his name was Dr. Pandapati (pronounced like panda-potty--- what an interesting name, no?) Tyler and I were left alone in the room as we waited for the doctor to come it. At this point I was SO tired, I had got lots of sleep the night before, but I hadn't realized how emotionally drained I had become without even realizing it.

I still felt calm.

Tyler and I were BOTH starving.

After five minutes of sitting he started to look a little worried and said something like, "I hope they will be in here soon. I hope that somethings not wrong." I tried to reassure him, funny how he had been comforting me all week, that it was okay it was taking longer for the doctor to come it. I said, "Look, we want that doctor to be as thorough as he can. I don't care it he looks at for 30 minutes, we want to have the most skilled eyes to give the most accurate result to us so we can have some piece of mind." I think that Tyler felt better about me reminding him of this.

So we sat.

And sat................

At last the door opened and Dr. Pandapati walked in. He introduced himself and shook our hands. He sat on the edge of the bed, which seemed to be a technique to put us at ease. At least it appeared more casual to me. He explained that he had looked over the ultrasound results. He told us he looks for these things every day. He said that after examining the ultrasound closely he could not find one single indicator for Trisomy 18 or for anything else on that matter. He told us that Pula looked like a perfectly normal and healthy baby.

I can not express how it felt to hear him say those words. Up until that point we had only been hoping that our baby could be healthy, but had known nothing for sure. I felt a small smile and tried really hard to blink back the tears of joy. He paused for a moment, letting us absorb the information, and then continued... He explained that we could do an amnio, we did have the choice, but that in his professional opinion he felt it wasn't needed. He even went even further to say that he wasn't being "wishy-washy" about the amnio, but he didn't see a single reason why we should. He also explained that we didn't have to make the decision on the spot. We could also come back in a week if we had changed our minds, but I didn't need to hear that part. I knew my mind was made up. I felt the Spirit confirm that my worst fears were over.

My baby was going to live.

My baby was healthy.

I would hold my sweet Pula in my arms.

I would watch my child grow...

I would have the sweet experience of motherhood here on Earth once more.

As we walked out of the office and down the hall I stopped to look at Tyler. I could barely contain my emotions. With tears in my eyes he held me close and though no words were spoken I could feel his spirit radiating the same joy I felt. We were both blessed. We were blessed to witness a miracle. Some people may disagree... but I would never discount the miracle that occurred that day.

God gave us a baby... and it would live a full, healthy life with our family.

Upon reflection I have realized that even though our roller coaster ride has ended that there are many lessons I have learned in the process. I have come to be TRULY thankful for everything I have. You know that cliche` saying: 'You don't know what you have until it's gone'? Well I'm grateful that God didn't necessarily have to "take something away" from me to realize the importance of it. He gave me what I could handle. He taught me the important lesson of growth.

Isn't growing awful while you're doing it?

Poor Braxton is getting his two year molars, he's practically miserable. I bet if he could talk he'd probably tell me he could make do without those teeth. We all know better. We have teeth.... although we may have forgotten the pain that it was to get them, it helped us to be stronger. It was the beginning of our lessons for our purpose here on Earth: to gain a body (which would feel pain-- but also JOY!), to learn and grow, and to return to our Father in Heaven.

I have realized that this pregnancy I have had a tremendous amount of growth going on. It's easier to see the process looking back now. First I was shown how much stronger I am physically than I thought. I hated those first 4 months of sickness. I could barely function some days. I pleaded many times for God to just let me catch my breath. The phrase "I can't!" eventually turned into "I don't think I can, but apparently you know better, so I'll try." During what seemed to be eternity at the time, I learned that the physical pain of pregnancy symptoms would be more manageable, because I was getting used to the weight of "growth". Next I was taught the real value of my baby.... a growth for me in the emotional department. After weeks of agonizing over the fact that might never have a baby girl God gave me a wake up call. (It was the phone call from my doctor). Last, and perhaps most important, was the growth that took place over this past week... spiritual growth. I learned to truly surrender to God's plan. A control freak of 25 years, I was not the most teachable subject. It was most painful to realize the horrifying outcomes I was being faced with at the time, but I gained perspective (eternally speaking) and also a greater closeness to my Heavenly Father.

Although our story had a happy ending, I KNOW that I am not the same woman that I was a week ago. I have momentarily put all my worldly concerns aside and have seen through my Heavenly Father's eyes. I am so special to my Father in Heaven. He has a very divine plan for me. Perhaps it won't be easy, but it will be worth it if I can endure. My babies are special too... in their lives they will face more difficult things than I have ever imagined. I have to be stronger in order to prepare them to be strongest in a world of chaos.

And now, for perhaps the most wonderful news of all.....

We are having a healthy baby boy.

Yup.

I never thought I'd be so thrilled, until recently.:)

I know he will be strong.

I'm just glad that I will get to see him in person.

Counting my blessing daily....

Many thanks are expressed to my Heavenly Father, Tyler, family, and friends for the support on this difficult journey of growth.